Sherri S.: I told him his brother had called, and he'd better call him before 9:00 p.m. (his brother goes to bed early).
From my side of the fence: If DW said tyhat to mke, I'd take it as a reminder that he goes to bed early, so I'd better call now; then she won't nag me.
Sherri S.: He yells, "That's pretty inconsiderate! You tell me to 'call Tom right now' and then you get on the internet!"
He didn't know you were on the internet since you got home, and when you sat down at your PC, he felt you had no more to say, and so it was a good time to call before the line was "tied up all night".
Sherri S.: I then told him, "I want to tell you something before your show starts. The fact that we can't address disagreements without you yelling at me I see as a serious problem." He didn't say anything. Then I said, "Did you hear what I said?" He responded, "Yeah". And I said "Good." So now at least he knows that at least to me, this is a serious problem.
Good response, but ... he knows that it bothers you, he doesn't see it as a 'serious problem'. He and I, and all martians, live on the other side of the communications gap from you women from Venus. That's the reason for the book
My wife doesn't understand why my understanding of what she says is so different from what she meant. I'm sure you'd understand it the way she does, and your DH would understand it the way I do. All we can do is try to remember that we don't see things the same way, and we never will, here. What I heard in the past affects how I hear what is said now, and they both will affect what I will hear in the future.
The problem ISN'T that he heard you say "call now" when you said "call before 9:00"; it IS that he lost his temper. The latter can be helped through therapy and medication, but the former will nevewr be resolved; both of you need to recognize that and work around it. [Re-read the book, I know you cannot do it from his/my perspective, but try to not let your perspective color it too much.]
I've been there / am there -- we still have disagreements on what was said/meant, and we've been married for 45 years. It is unfortunate that DW doesn't realize how huge the gap really is, but then she had a sheltered farm girl life, and I went to a town school, two completely different cultures.
We cannot change our past, but we can try to understand why the other sees things differently.
Sherri S.: I then told him, "I want to tell you something before your show starts.
I do not believe there is any better way to say it, than that.
To quote Red Skelton, "God bless".
Stan B.
Ignorance is curable; Stupidity has neither cure nor excuse.
