This is an actual letter from an Austin Texas woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice
for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Austin , TX
OMW! I needed a laugh today. Thanks for sharing this :-)
That is just too cute. Gave me my laugh for the day.
Well, you know what they say...
Don't Mess With Texas! (Especially if she's menistrating)
southwest Texas USA
Laugh out loud. Pounding on the table laugh out loud.
And I hate those wings.
Glad you enjoyed this. Paka, your pounding on the table comment gave me a true LOL. Thanks, I needed that!
Glad to give you a LOL, Kip. I have reread this letter two or three times and am now reduced to the occasional snort, but I do love the acid bite on Wendi's wit. Ann and Molly would have been proud of Wendi. Texas wimmins and caustic barbs, it's what's for dinner!
Ms. Aarons is now my personal heroine. Thanks so much for sharing. Still cracking up :-)
This definately put a smile on my face.. currently having a crappy day at work, so thanks for cheering me up Kip!
You literally made my day!! Hilarious!!! :D